Why Newspapers are dying: New York Daily News

Bill Gallo of the New York Post decided to weigh in on this "ultimate fighting" thing everyone is talking about and wrote an eight hundred word opus to the evils of this "blood" sport. Hope you enjoy reading it with a WKR twist.

On my mind. ...

Everyone wants to know what is on Bill Gallo's mind. Right now he is thinking of unicorns, sausages and cockatoos. Aren't you glad you know now?

The other night I'm fiddling around with the TV clicker and, by accident, I happen upon one of those Ultimate Fighting "things" where the two participants are wearing thinly padded gloves, boxing trunks and no footwear.

Does anyone under the age of fifty say "clicker" anymore? It's called a remote control. I bet he didn't make the switch over to digital cable. Must be a rough time at the Gallo household right now.

The bare feet allow each guy to kick freely at the other's mid-section, or wherever a foot lands. It's even okay if it lands on the guy's chin or if a good boot to the fanny is planted.

"To the fanny" what is this a Bob Hope U.S.O. tour?

If the "fighter"(?) finds he's not landing so well with the feet, he'll revert to a semblance of boxing. You see them throwing jabs and right hands, some landing, some caught in mid-air like a guy grabbing at a pesky fly.

See what he did there? He implied that the fighter is not a fighter because he threw a kick. You know, like, karate shit. I mean we all know only pussies throw kicks. Real fighters are too honorable for that Bruce Lee shit.

So there I was, watching this thing, and the way they were going at it, I wondered when the police were going to enter the ring to put the cuffs on both of them. What I saw happening was a deliberate attempt by one guy to maim the other in an anything-goes, no-holds-barred struggle.

Definition of maim: to mutilate, disfigure, or wound seriously. Definition of fallacy: an often plausible argument using false or invalid inference. Which one do you think applies to this piece?

I'm looking at one tall, thin brawler (call him Skinny), in good shape, up against a little roundish fella (call him Tub), trying to kick, maul and elbow his tormentor.

In the newspaper business we call this accurately reporting on something we have taken the time to research acting like a self-righteous condescending dick.

Skinny is punching Tub in the face and head while Tub resorts to wrestling - grabbing his foe and dumping him to the ground. In a tangled web, the two struggle for upsmanship when suddenly Skinny spins Tub around and is on top of him pounding the hell out of him with both fists.

Is it too hard to actually get the names of the fighters you are going to mock for eight hundred words? You can at least show them that bit of respect.

Tub gets his legs around Skinny like one of those Jim Londos scissor grips and he's belting the guy with his elbows. Skinny retaliates with his elbows.

Oh my god, it is like he is describing a fight. I can't bear to read anymore. Won't someone please think of the children!?

While all this is going on, there is a great amount of cheering from the crowd. The fans are obviously having a good time, asking for blood, blood and more blood.

Its that damn Twilight series! All these kids now want to be vampires. Its outrageous! I mean if they all end up drinking blood there won't be any humans left.

I look at Tub, whose head looks as if it has been nailed to the floor by Skinny's mitts. Tub's blood is splotched on the canvas like someone heaved a bucket of red paint on it.

That's right this fight goes on until someone successfully nails his opponent to the canvass.

Tub's right eye is now closed from a large welt, his left eye is cut, and there is blood coming from cuts on his forehead.

Now if they wore a bunch of football pads we wouldn't have to see all that unsightly blood and bruises. Much better to keep that from the public. After all we may offend their delicate sensibilities. By the way did I mention I got my daughter a new corset?

Meanwhile, Skinny, the pitcher, is whacking at the eye and doing all the damage he can to Tub, the catcher.

Now, watching replays of Joe Theisman's leg exploding is a far more socially acceptable thing to do.

As I watch this slaughter I'm thinking how similar it is to what the Romans did centuries ago, when - to thrill a throng of bloodthirsty fans - two gladiators would fight to the death.

I can't believe you people act like the Romans. What did the Romans ever do besides providing clean water, sewers, roads, cement, rule of law and representative government. I mean honestly who the fuck wants that shit.

I must tell you I have not exaggerated at all in my description of this so-called "up-and-coming" sport. I reported exactly what I saw.

/slaps own face.

I am told there are a lot of you fans out there who love this stuff and I've heard that some say this mayhem will eventually replace the ailing sport of boxing.

I am also told about this thing called the Internet, DNA and solar power! What a marvelous modern age we live in.

Finally, I'm asking fans of boxing - the ones of the sweet science - how you feel about this growing "sport" held in arenas that should aptly be labeled, "Bucket of Blood Palace."

Yeah, I mean honestly nothing bad has ever happened in boxing. I mean no one....errr....well a few....I mean like a hundred...well just 361 people have died in boxing since 1945 but it is a science people! 

I go now to Mr. Tony Bernazard, the Met front-office man who achieved instant fame because of his rough and ready style.

The Mets? Where are you taking me Gallo!?

Battlin' Tony got his name in bold type after he ripping his shirt off, putting up his dukes and, by golly, challenging a whole team to some fisticuffs. Everybody in the media reported what a foolish thing it was to do. And it certainly was!

"Putting up his dukes!" One more 1950's reference and I swear I am totally done with this.

By that action I see a middle-aged guy wanting to fight young, brawny guys who could probably knock his block off. But that's not the point.

I am so confused right now.

Tony was acting like a kid going back to the ol' neighborhood, all of our neighborhoods. There, when a kid made fun of you or picked on your kid brother, you'd say, "put 'em up" and there the fight began. When one kid was getting the best of the other, a grownup would step in and break it up.

It's like an episode of Leave it to Beaver in writing, how quaint.

It was the way we did it and it was okay with us because, as kids, we knew no other way. There never was an apology for a punch in the nose.

We had honor in those days as oppose to these little shits and their rock-n-roll.

But, when we grew up - I mean, really grew up - we found other ways of settling a score.

Let me guess, a game of Parcheesi?

A grown man should think first before he ever even thinks of throwing a punch. So many things can happen when two angry men engage in a fistfight.

Thank god that never happens in real sports......

Any one of the following can happen: Someone gets seriously injured - a man's fist is a lethal weapon. One man can die, and the other not only goes to jail but carries the guilt for the rest of his life. Yes, I saw this happen once.

I guess someone never took physics.

Really, Tony I don't care if you get fired or not.

Wait what!? You were just talking about someone dying now someone being fired! What is going on here?

But, Mister T, next time challenge them to arm wrestling, bocci or a game of checkers. You're too old to fight.

Mister T. Mister T!? MISTER T.!? Dude the last meaningful contribution Mr. T. made to society was a World of Warcraft commercial. By the way I can't wait to read your column about the evils of WoW and how they destroying our children.

Now who can tell me why newspapers are dying?