UFC Takes Drastic Actions in Wake of Georges St. Pierre's Boring Performance

The UFC has decided to make drastic changes in the wake of angry complaints from fans at UFC 111. 

The largest MMA promotion on the planet will implement a new set of rules to satisfy their fans desire for more finishes and less decision.

"It's simple really. People want to see 'action' and knockouts and we are going to give it to them", said Marc Ratner to WKR. Ratner drew comparisons to the NFL when explaining why the UFC had decided to reward fighters who have the grappling skills of a seal out of water. "It's simple really. The NFL has implemented all these rules to help the offenses score more points to satisfy fantasy players and that's exactly what we are going to do with the UFC."

Zuffa will now implement a 20 second "grappling clock" that will time fighters on the canvas. If the fighter is in any position, whether it be north south, side control or mount and the clock sounds the fight will be stood up and the fighter that took the action to the canvas will be automatically deducted a point for "borifying" the fight. The UFC will also implement new rules to stand fighters up immediately if they are in guard or half guard. Finally, fighters will be limited to two shots (either single leg or double) per round. If a fighter attempts an extra shot they will be deducted a point.

When WKR asked UFC president Dana White about how these changes would affect grapplers like Demian Maia and wrestlers like Phil Davis, White responded bluntly, "It's simple. If you want to fight in the UFC you got to f*** people up."

When pressed about elbows to downed opponents and whether or not those were horrific enough, White responded that he loves the cuts, blood and gore but fans really prefer to see fighters twitch unconscious on the canvass after a knockout. Thus the promotion will do everything within their power to increase the rate of KO's.

The rule changes won't simply focus on grappling but are also designed to improve the damage of punches to increase the volume of KO's. Fighters will now be able to place rolls of nickels in their fists (quarters are too larger for the athletic commissions to sanction) to increase the chance that a punch renders brain damage to their opponent.

Finally the UFC will implement a new "sudden death" rule for fights that enter the third round. As fans hate decisions Zuffa will drop either a lead pipe, wrench, candlestick, knife, rope or a revolver into the cage in the final round for fighters to use as they see fit. The goal is to insure that no fight ever has to go to the judges score cards. Colonel Mustard will also be the UFC's new "go to" judge.

Certainly the UFC is entering a brave new world in combat sports and fans are excited about the new prospects for their pound of flesh.

If you haven't figured it out yet this is satire.