7 Reasons the UFC should sign Epic Beard Man

First off, sorry if this post offends you, but this is not meant to condone or promote public violence nor racism, only to poke fun at some recent telling decisions by the UFC. Don't take it as anything else... puh-leez.

Now that the UFC is not really in the freak show business — but "at the end of the day" by signing James Toney actually in the freak show business — I would like to suggest another signing that will most definitely catapult the promotion into the upper echelon of mainstream sports faster than Cheetara after a night eating burritos and running away from her consequential and inevitable stomach cramps.

Sign Epic Beard Man.

Now if you don't know who the Epic Beard Man is, #1 shame on you, and #2 here's a video to somewhat alleviate your shame (though that will be impossible to do, we're so sorry).

Who cares about him being 67-years old? As evidenced above, the dude can bang. But if that still doesn't convince you, below are a few iron-clad reasons why the UFC MUST sign Epic Beard Man NOW before Strikeforce or DREAM catch wind of this epic cash-making freak show opportunity.

1- Epic Beard Man comes with his own octagon girl, so it's a 2 X 1 deal.

Let's get this one out of the way first. The hauntingly cute calm little inconspicuous lady in the background? She's already 10 times more popular than Arianny Celeste on the internets.

Oh so you need evidence? She's even got her own intertubes-given name: Amber Lamps. This only means L00T for the UFC.

via byroncrawford.typepad.com

2- Epic Beard Man does the trash-talking thing better than Tito + Rampage + Brock.

Look at that trash-talking face. Just look at it.

Imagine this dude asking you for a spit-shine during a weigh-in staredown. Instant drama, baby.

3- Epic Beard Man is a natural heavyweight.

And everybody knows that heavyweights make for the most intriguing freak show bouts. Think about the possibilities, Dana. Imagine Epic Beard Man Vs. Bob Sapp. You can smell the CA$H-L00t eh?

4- Epic Beard Man can stand & bang.

And his precision is really precise.

5- Epic Beard Man can ground & pound.

He even channels Brock's spirits by shouting at the guy when he's already down. And just look at those epic shorts.

6- Epic Beard Man makes no excuses about pre-fight injuries (like Tito).

If you hit him first, he just unleashes Vietnam on you.

7- After Epic Beard Man is done, dem guys be leakin and askin to "bring da ambalamps".

So what do you think?