Eat your heart out Dan Gilbert! Chael Sonnen writes Open Letter to the fan

(Hey! That white guy looks a lot like me!)

"Hi, everybody! Remember me?"

Yes we remember you.

"Your ol' buddy Chael?"

For the last time Chael, no we don't want to buy a house from you.

"Y'know I spend most of my time fightin', which doesn't leave much time for writin', but things being what they are, I've decided to take a moment or two, and fire up the ol' Olivetti typewriter, put in a fresh ribbon, and share some of my recent thoughts with you...."

What is this typing device you speak of? Is it a new App for the iPad? Does Apple give you a ribbon with it?

Firstly, I've gotten a significant amount of feedback regarding my "correspondence" with MMA....."Journalist" Jon Lane...So....To any and all members of the media: I'm always happy to talk and share my time and ideas with you.

So what do you think about 19th century impressionist art?

And I appreciate your efforts in contacting me, and instead of ‘circling the wagons' around a "fellow journalist", for applauding my efforts to....FIX things. Do me a favor, guys. Don't be so hard on JonJon.

That's a great nickname ChaelChael.

He'll get it. Bring him along, help him out here & there. I kinda like him. And Jon.....No hard feelings. Really. If you re-read our correspondence in the cold, hard, light of day, you'll see I was trying to....HELP you.

I never expected you to be Umberto Eco; but those questions... guy! I mean COME ON. So buck up, little soldier. If you fall off, just get right back on - even if it's only a keyboard you're getting on.

Hehe, writing. That's for dumb people.

And Lil' Nog.....I read your appraisal of the upcoming fight betwixt your pal Anderson and yours truly and, I'll be damned, you are one sharp dude.... about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.

Has anyone ever seen a bag of wet mice?

Do yourself a favor: have your mouthpiece permanently installed in your mouth so you can't speak at all.

YEAH! Man in the Iron Mask style!

Have them feed you with a tube like a coma patient.

... That's sort of cruel.

You're not doing Anderson any good and you're sinking your own ship too. You say I'm not qualified to fight Anderson...Which means that the UFC brain trust - that thinks I AM and are also YOUR BOSSES - are idiots.

Maybe Chael Sonnen should be a politician. He certainly as the over-the-top ,rhetorical accusations down pat.

It also means Ed Soares - Anderson's manager and YOUR MANAGER TOO - doesn't know what he's doing, either. Smooth, guy. Very smooth.

Personally, I like Miller Lite because it's less filling.

Do you have any other brilliant ideas or scathing critiques you care to impart to the UFC Brass or your own manager?

This would be a bad time to say yes, right?

Maybe that shot Sokodjou hit you with was worse than it looked (if that's even possible).

Ooooo. African dreadlock burn!

You seem like a nice enough guy, and I have no real beef with you (Oh, and speaking of beef: If you can turn your disk over at the Rodizio once in awhile and get down to "185," there's gonna be a new sheriff there in less than a month who'll be happy to ride you right back out of town on a rail).

But Chael, I thought you were a Republican and they don't ride fellas.

So please see this as the kind of well-intentioned advice I would give to a friend or training partner.

So, that's why Team Quest has been down lately...

And if you lose a few (you looked like Roy Nelson in a Frankenstein mask for that Brilz fight... which you lost, buddyboy), we can scrap in the Fall.

Why is Chael taking shots at Big Country?

And Ed, I saw your recent comments. Not bad work. Hats off. You come across as professional and accountable in every respect...

This isn't going to end well.

which makes your inability to control, explain or denounce Anderson's behavior quite puzzling to me. THAT'S one of the main reasons we are where we are with all this: because you can't make him fight.

Yeah Ed! Seriously! Why don't you try locking Anderson in a cage. Then stop feeding him while poking him with a sharp stick all while yelling profanities at him. That should toughen him up. Then put him in a cage and have him fight and if he doesn't start electrocuting him!

You can't explain why he does what he does and you refuse to give a consistent, rational explanation for it.

He really, really wants to fight Roy Jones Jr.

It's like you keep trying to sell the kids faulty fireworks that turn around after 10 feet and come screaming back and hit them in the eye or blow their hands off.

Not sure what this has to do with anything.

Are you aware that you represent the generally acknowledged best fighter in the world in the premier promotion on planet Earth and that the president of that company has promised to FIRE HIM for his behavior?

The UFC just signed Mark Hunt, Anderson ain't going anywhere Chael.

Aren't you just a little embarrassed by that?

Not really.

And that's got NOTHING to do with me, or even this fight.

Now I am really confused...

Imagine: Your team is on the two-yard line in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, but your star quarterback disregards the head coach's instructions and calls a play where he throws the ball to a popcorn vendor in the sixth row, then eats a piece of turf and craps in his helmet on the 50-yard line.

Is he talking about Brett Favre now? I'm having trouble keeping up.

Do you know who he's REALLY mad at? NOT the fans or the opposing team...he's mad at daddy; he's mad at the coach!

Whoa! I am sensing some daddy issues here. Please don't become a stripper Chael...

WHY?

What causes that encoded hostility?

Is your fighter insane? If he is - and you therefore cannot reasonably predict his behavior - isn't it incumbent upon YOU to find a way to fix it?

When did Anderson Siva become Ben Wade?

Don't you owe that to the sport?

To the fans?

To his boss, Dana White?

Pretty sure he just wants to fight Roy Jones Jr...

And lastly... don't you owe a debt to HIM and his long-term psychological well-being? Shouldn't you get him the help he needs, before one of his irrational, unexplainable acts causes himself or someone else genuine harm? If he's irrational and uncontrollable, put him in a psych ward. If he's fine, prove it by giving a legitimate, rational, explanation for his actions in Abu Dhabi. I'm the one who has to fight him.

Wait, I get it. Chael thinks Anderson Silva is Tyler Durden but really every time he sees him Chael is really just imagining himself as Tyler and is secretly building an army of dissatisfied, anti-consumerist, male terrorists that are planning on destroy the digital debt engines that our economy runs on all the while The Pixies are playing in the background. It's GENIUS!

...OK kids.......Chael has to go get all sweaty again."

That's not a code word for taking your talents to South Beach, is it?