Machida upcoming, Rampage eliminates key part of gameplan

Never a man of few words, Rampage Jackson's legendary trash-talking abilities has endeared him to millions of fans around the world. Recently, I interviewed Jackson about his upcoming fight with Lyoto Machida and he gave me an exclusive bit of information. He had always considered himself one of the best trash talkers in the game until last fall sitting with his family watching television.

"I was sitting there with my kids watching myself on the Ultimate Fighter and my son asked me 'Daddy, why you always say somebody breath stink?' Jackson recalled. "I told my son it was funny and everyone would laugh. I told him how Uncle Tiki loved it. My son told me, and I'll never forget this, 'Dad...you corny", it was like a ton of bricks hit me. My own son. My own flesh and blood."

Rampage continued to watch the season and with each and every "breath stink" comment, he cringed. He soon began to notice a startling pattern.

"It was weird. Once my son brought [the bad breath jokes] to my attention, it open[sic] the floodgates. I began to notice similar patterns. It was like once I found something funny, I tended to repeat that shit over and over." One particular insult struck a disharmonious chord with Jackson. "Particularly with Darrell [Schoonover]. See, he had these fat jiggly titties," Jackson recalled as he giggled. "What? You seen 'em. Anyway, he had these titties and so I called him 'Titties'. Tiki cracked up. I knew I had a hit."

Many fans agreed with Rampage's sentiment. After the first episode the "Titties" comment aired, MMA message boards were lit up with overwhelming approval of Rampage's insults. "H0ly sh1t. Did u see wut Rampage called that fat dude from Tuf? titties?!?!!11. t0tal pwnage," exclaimed Sherdog Black Belt poster FedorPRIDE4Eva. Mr. PRIDE4Eva was unavailible for interview as he was away for summer camp.

That love dissipated over time. By the time the final episode, in which Rampage said "Titties" over 82 times, the joke had descended into the realm of unfunny.

"I realized something was up at the TUF 10 Finale. I made a Titties joke and no one laughed. I mean I looked around at Tiki and even he kinda shook his head. And it hit me. I just wasn't funny." Rampage remembered in horror. "Fast forward a few months and I had to fight Rashad and we had the PrimeTime show. I knew Rashad didn't got big titties and I couldn't use the bad breath jokes after what my son told me. It threw off my game. I couldn't train right. I spent hours thinking about good jokes for the Primetime series and the press conferences."

After a steady supply  of "Stanky Leg" and "Black on Black Crime" jokes, many fans thought he won the war of words, however he did not win the actual fight. There's no doubt in my mind that the trash-talking took focus off my game. I mean all Rashad do is wrestle, it don't take much to beat him. I'm at Wolfslair. The best camp in England, I train with world class wrestlers like...well I got wrestlers."

"What you'll see in my next fight if that I will come prepared. My gameplan will be top notch. I will no long use 'breath stank' jokes. They corny and played out. I have the secret right here," said Jackson as he smiled brightly, clutching The Little Giant Book of Insults. "This book is like the Randy Couture of insults; it has over thirty thousand cutdowns. It has a whole chapter on 'Yo Momma' jokes. This is Olympic caliber material. 'Yo momma so fat, when she go outside in a red dress, everyone say 'Hey, Koolaid'. Hee hee. I can't give all the secrets away."

Rampage is already hard at work implementing these new strategies into his training for his fight with Machida. He spends half his time at Wolfslair and the other half at the local primary school. "They say the best way to become a master is through repitition, so I go down to the school and play the dozens. I'm getting pretty good."

With no more bad breath jokes, fans should prepare to see a whole new Rampage Jackson. When asked if he had any special words for upcoming opponent, Lyoto Machida, the man who beat Rampage's last opponent Rashad Evans, Rampage responded "It don't matter that he beat Rashad. I don't like that MMath. I don't believe in in. Hell, I don't like regular math."

(The above article is satire.)