Five Ounces of Bloody Potato-Dog Volume 1: The Top 5 MMA Blogger Anti-UFC Clichés

NOTE: Kid Nate of BloodyElbow blasted this off their fanpost section, calling it "crap." Whatever. I call it "what happens when I have too much caffeine." 

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Five Ounces of Bloody Potato-Dog is a self-created, occasionally satirical, and always hurriedly-written series of caffeine-induced MMA-media critiques that may or may not end with this article. 

Even the best athletes in mixed-martial arts are prone to spouting off one cliché after another. 

How many times can a guy be in the best shape of his life?

How many times can a guy be a newer, better version of his former self? Or bring back his old self?

I'm talking to you George St. Pierre! You have to stop saying that your next fight is the biggest challenge of your career. You fight like I eat donuts - you can't lose buddy!

Shockingly enough, MMA bloggers and writers have fallen fate to the neurological disorder known as cliché obsession, especially when they're trying to hate on the UFC. 

So to celebrate UFC 117 one day early, here are my five favorite anti-UFC clichés, complete with my exclusive translations:

Cliché #1) "Let me start off by saying that I have the upmost respect for the UFC and Dana White..."

TRANSLATION - "By leading off with this statement, I will fool these idiots into thinking that I am fair and balanced, and not in the Fox-News way. I hate the UFC and I don't know why. BRING PRIDE BACK!"

Cliché #2) "Don't bother watching Dana's latest video blog, all he's doing is showing off his private jet and Ferrari."

TRANSLATION -  "I gave up on my dream of living in the lap of luxury a long time ago, and so should everyone else. Now where are my ramen noodles? It's lunch time baby!"

Cliché #3) "Man, the UFC really blew it when they didn't sign Fedor!"

TRANSLATION - "I've obviously never negotiated or signed a contract of any kind, and I clearly don't understand that these matters are incredibly complicated and can blow up for any number of reasons. And damn it, will somebody bring Pride back?"

Cliché #4) "Fighters need to unionize/The UFC should provide health insurance/Co-promotion is the future."

TRANSLATION - "I need page views NOW and am willing to ignore the entire history of the sport while writing this article."

Cliché #5) "Dana White is a poor representative of the sport."

TRANSLATION - "This guy is a filthy rich, maniacal loudmouth that goes around doing whatever he wants to whoever he wants, and doesn't care about what anybody thinks. I kind of want to be him."

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P.S. If this post made you angry, then consider it satire.